Dear Jeremy Hunt

Trigger warning: frighteningly real risk of a return to back-alley abortions, coathangers and violence against women, and demi-castration fantasy.

Dear Jeremy Hunt,

I was really interested to read your opinions about lowering the abortion time limit to 12 weeks, based on scientific evidence that you didn’t bother citing, and I’d like to offer you a little bit of advice. This will help you a lot in the long run.

Basically, I feel like you should remove one of your testicles. Now, there’s a trick to this. What you need to do is take a bottle of your favourite alcohol–I’d recommend Buckfast, but that’s a personal preference–and smash the bottle. It needs to be a glass bottle, obviously. Now, take a shard. Take a shard that looks particularly pointy, and apply it to your scrotum. Feel the coldness of it. Do you feel that, Jeremy? Do you feel it?

I bet your penis is shrinking slightly at that vague chill. Don’t worry, that’s only natural. But I promise what I’m telling you will help you.

Now, this bit is going to be tricky, and I imagine it’ll probably hurt rather a lot. So to help with the pain, maybe drink the Buckfast before you break the bottle. Sorry, I should have told you that before. I forgot. I hope you’ve not been following my suggestions in real time. If you have, go to the shop, buy another bottle of Buckfast, chug that shit, then break the bottle and see if you can get hold of anything a bit pointier. Pointy is good.

It’ll probably also help if you can bite down on something.

Now, Jeremy, I don’t know what your dominant hand is, so I’m going to assume you’re right-handed like most people. Take your right testicle in your left hand. Hold the glass in your right. With your left hand, really feel where the ball is, feel that strange, squishy sensation. Hold your thumb just above the top of it, towards where it meets your cock. Now, holding the glass, cut just above where your thumb is.

It’s likely there’ll be a bit of blood at this point, but hold firm. This is for your own good, and there’s scientific evidence on my side. Loads and loads of medical evidence. I don’t need to cite it, just like you don’t need to cite yours when you’re telling me what to do with my body.

You’ll feel a pop as the skin breaks, a gentle pop as it gives. It’s a surprisingly thin layer of skin, really. If you’ve got the stomach, take a look. You might see something stringy inside. That’s your epididymis, Jeremy, and I’d like you to cut through it too. I have absolutely no idea how that’d feel. From diagrams, it looks like the glass could take it, but if it doesn’t, a pair of scissors will suffice. On the other side of the epididymis, there’ll be a bit more skin. Cut through that. You’ll be a pro at withstanding pain by this point, and that makes you strong.

Now, at this point, you’ll have two things: a disembodied testicle in your hand, and a bleeding wound between your legs. The priority, I suppose, is disposing of the disembodied testicle. Pop it into your mouth. Scientific evidence suggests Paul Burrell did very well at eating a kangaroo testicle, so I’m sure you’ll do well noshing down your own. Be careful for the bit where it bursts, and white fluid dribbles down your chin. I hope you’re not doing this in company.

As for the bleeding wound, try a chef’s blowtorch. It’ll hurt like bejesus, but it’ll cauterise the wound. Be careful not to singe your knob. That’d be a disaster.

So ultimately, thanks for your evidence-based concern about my uterus, Jeremy. I hope you appreciate mine, too. I only have your best interests at heart you understand.

Sincerely,

Stavvers xoxoxo

P.S. If you get someone pregnant following this usually-f0olproof procedure, I recommend repeating it for the right ball.

Related: Let’s scrap the abortion time limit altogether, me on abortion time limits in the NS.

For anyone who wants to send Jeremy Hunt a picture of their reproductive system, here’s how to photograph your cervix. Remember to CC in Maria Miller, as she’s also really interested!