Dear Sir/Madam,
I am writing to apply for the position of MailOnline Showbusiness Journalist. I feel that I am more than qualified for the role.
I am able to bring myself to look at long-lensed photographs of children and adults alike, enjoying their everyday lives unaware of the invasion of privacy being bestowed upon them without actually feeling physically sick when I look at them. I have a strong awareness of body image issues affecting women in this day and age, which will come in handy when the line of duty requires me to draw attention to any part of their body about which they and other women may feel uncomfortable, with sneering derision.
I have a deep understanding of society’s weird attitudes about sex: ascribing desire and constant conscious performance to women even before they hit puberty, while all the while attaching shame to any display of genuine sexual agency. I also have access to a thesaurus, thus giving me the capacity to vary my language and not just repeatedly use the word “flaunt”, over and over until even MailOnline readers expire of boredom. I feel that this skillset will help me deeply when commenting on photographs of six year olds revealing, exposing and parading themselves (see how easy that was?).
My background in medical psychology has taught me the symptoms of pregnancy. I’m afraid to say they do not include smiling, having a new boyfriend or wearing a slightly baggy top, but I am also willing to pretend that they do.
I have a vivid imagination, my creativity is second to none, and I am more than able to generate my own showbusiness stories from the ether. In my spare time, I like writing fictional short stories.
And finally, I have never experienced any insomnia, so you can rest easy knowing that I will be able to perform the duties required of me while still being able to sleep at night.
Looking forward to hearing from you!
Stavvers
P.S. You are scum and I sincerely hope you are all miserable.
Another angry woman 
Hit the nail on the head! Nice one!
Six year olds? Please tell me they haven’t stooped so low as to tear a child to shreds?
I hate them so much. Racist, misogynist, homophobic, transphobic, ableist, xenophobic , body-policing, hatemongers.
I wouldn’t even use their rag as chip wrapping, it would ruin the taste.
I really hope you sent that in!
Will do later. Just need to take a decent picture of myself doing a double-handed V-sign to attach in place of a CV…
God, what a wonderful world it would be if you got it. It’s a shame these sorts of publications don’t have the sort of intelligence or sense of creativity to hand themselves over once in a while for guest editing to the very people they usually shit and pour scorn on. Same goes for the apparently ginormous twat at Esquire. As it is, though, they all just basically amount to troll sites or journals in my view. There can’t really be any other point to them otherwise. The Mail Online especially. Biggest troll clusterfuck run by trolls for trolls on the internet bar none.
LOVE this post!
Do let us know when you start!