The absolutely appalling thread rating Mario Kart characters as penises

A backed up Twitter thread, because I regularly delete my tweets (here’s why, and why you should, too).

I guess of all the Mario Kart characters for your penis to look like, Toad is probably the least weird, I mean imagine if someone drops trou and it’s Waluigi staring out at you
Them: *unzips fly*
Their dick:A screenshot from Super Mario 64. Mario flies through a blue sky with a winged cap, arms spread wide. In bright letters next to him are the words LET'S GO
FINE THEN let’s rate Mario Kart characters as dick metaphors, shall we.
LUIGI: slender build, good for pegging. Earnest eagerness, probable premature ejaculation. Dicks shouldn’t be green. 3/10Luigi from Mario, a tall thin man in blue dungarees with a green hat and top. A moustache and eager expression
MARIO: good to go at any time, average size, enthusiastic. A decent all-rounder and starter. 8/10Mario. A shorter man wearing blue dungarees and a red cap and top. He has a moustache and looks eager.
BOWSER: if your junk looks like this call a doctor, junk shouldn’t ever be spiny. 1/10Bowser. A creature which looks somewhat like a turtle and a dragon, with a spiny shell
DONKEY KONG: He’s big and girthy, which a lot of people are into. Use lube. Use way more lube than you ever think you’ll need. 7/10Donkey Kong: a large gorilla wearing a tie saying DK sits on a small go-kart.
PRINCESS PEACH: High femme BDE. Slender textured shape perfect for pegging. Cute and pink. 9/10Princess Peach: a blonde woman with an eager expression sits on a motorbike. She wears a pink and white jumpsuit and a crown
YOSHI: a passable buttplug, but too green and lumpy to be a particularly flattering thing to say about a dick. 5/10Yoshi: a green turtle with a very small shell riding a motorbike
WARIO: Good and girthy, but spoiled by a wholly malevolent aura 2/10Wario: A round, large man wearing purble dungarees and a yellow cap and shirt. His face looks like Mario's.
TOAD: actually dick-shaped, I guess. Appears to be wearing a diaper, which some people are into. 6/10Toad. A toadstool wearing what appears to be a diaper.
PRINCESS DAISY: the high femme BDE of Peach. Often in another castle, so satisfaction remains out of reach. 7/10Princess Daisy: a brunette woman astride a motorcycle. She wears an orange and white jumpsuit and a crown.
DRY BONES: interesting textures at play, possibly challenging. Spooky. Probably good for goths. 8/10Dry Bones: a skeleton tortoise
DIDDY KONG: a child, do not apply to your genitals. 0/10A young gorilla wearing a t-shirt and cap stands eagerly in front of a go-kart.
TOADETTE: Dick shaped, and her hair can give clitoral and anal stimulation at the same time. A great all-rounder. 11/10A pink toadstool, winking. She wears a pink dress with balls floating off it.
WALUIGI: too spindly, a wholly sinister energy, terrifying to children and adults alike. -5/10Waluigi. He wears purple dungarees, cap and shirt, and rides a motorcycle. His expression is malevolent and his moustache evil.
SHY GUY: an enigma. so baffling you wish to try it to understand it. Will you regret it? That is not given to us to know. 1-10/10A small masked creature
METAL MARIO: be really careful with metal toys, they can be porous and can be difficult to clean. Smugger than vanilla Mario. 6/10Mario made out of metal, leaning on some tyres
PAC-MAN: useless as a penis, but probably great on a clit. 7/10Pac-man loading screen on Mario Kart. Pac-Man is a yellow ball.
KOOPA TROOPER: can fully expand and retract, which is helpful and I imagine many people would find it better if their penis could do that. 9/10Koopa Trooper: a tortoise driving a go-kart
BIRDO: I literally own a vibrator that looks almost exactly like this. It sucks your clit. It’s fucking amazing. 10/10Birdo: a pink character with a long tubular mouth.
KING BOO: a round boi, prefers oral to PIV. Any goodness is offset by faintly vengeful aura. 6/10A ghost with a long tongue and a crown
LINK: so gender-neutral, so hot. short of perfection by not technically being a mario kart character, just occasionally rocking up to race all of them. 9/10Link from Legend of Zelda riding a motorcycle
WIGGLER: some interesting sensations, great for anal. Can get in the way rather annoyingly tho. 5/10A yellow caterpillar with a flower on its head
ROSALINA: high femme BDE plus protecting the universe. looks after ur star if u kno what i mean. 9/10Rosalina: a woman with blue hair sits on a motorbike. She's wearing a blue and white jumpsuit and a crown
FIRE MARIO: you ever accidentally forget to wash your hands between chopping chilli and touching your junk? oof. Niche interest. 2/10Fire Mario is Mario with the colours inverted. He is throwing a fireball.
my apologies for forgetting this one!

GOOMBA: a squat little butt plug, a frustrating obstacle that often prevents you from getting there (if u kno what i mean), dimly malevolent energy 2/10

PORCUPUFFER: some of you sinners are no doubt into inflation and stuff but remember what I told you about Bowser: if a dong remotely resembles this, seek urgent medical attention 1/10

BLOOPER: kinda phallic and textured, ejaculates whether u want it to or not. 5/10A blooper from Mario Kart. It resembles a squid.
CHEEP CHEEP: like dick, it’s fucking ubiquitous. like dick, it gets in the way of you having a good time. 3/10A Cheep Cheep resembles a round fish with a mohawk
WENDY O KOOPA: no I have not done Wendy O Koopa yet, and have no intention to, because a Wendy O Koopa seems like a great idea at the time but you will be unable to sit down for a week and piss hot fire for days 4/10

https://twitter.com/banebutwoke/status/1042105004956573697

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