The absolutely appalling thread rating Mario Kart characters as penises

I guess of all the Mario Kart characters for your penis to look like, Toad is probably the least weird, I mean imagine if someone drops trou and it’s Waluigi staring out at you

Them: *unzips fly*
Their dick:

FINE THEN let’s rate Mario Kart characters as dick metaphors, shall we.

LUIGI: slender build, good for pegging. Earnest eagerness, probable premature ejaculation. Dicks shouldn’t be green. 3/10

MARIO: good to go at any time, average size, enthusiastic. A decent all-rounder and starter. 8/10

BOWSER: if your junk looks like this call a doctor, junk shouldn’t ever be spiny. 1/10

DONKEY KONG: He’s big and girthy, which a lot of people are into. Use lube. Use way more lube than you ever think you’ll need. 7/10

PRINCESS PEACH: High femme BDE. Slender textured shape perfect for pegging. Cute and pink. 9/10

YOSHI: a passable buttplug, but too green and lumpy to be a particularly flattering thing to say about a dick. 5/10

WARIO: Good and girthy, but spoiled by a wholly malevolent aura 2/10

TOAD: actually dick-shaped, I guess. Appears to be wearing a diaper, which some people are into. 6/10

PRINCESS DAISY: the high femme BDE of Peach. Often in another castle, so satisfaction remains out of reach. 7/10

DRY BONES: interesting textures at play, possibly challenging. Spooky. Probably good for goths. 8/10

DIDDY KONG: a child, do not apply to your genitals. 0/10

TOADETTE: Dick shaped, and her hair can give clitoral and anal stimulation at the same time. A great all-rounder. 11/10

WALUIGI: too spindly, a wholly sinister energy, terrifying to children and adults alike. -5/10

SHY GUY: an enigma. so baffling you wish to try it to understand it. Will you regret it? That is not given to us to know. 1-10/10

METAL MARIO: be really careful with metal toys, they can be porous and can be difficult to clean. Smugger than vanilla Mario. 6/10

PAC-MAN: useless as a penis, but probably great on a clit. 7/10

KOOPA TROOPER: can fully expand and retract, which is helpful and I imagine many people would find it better if their penis could do that. 9/10

BIRDO: I literally own a vibrator that looks almost exactly like this. It sucks your clit. It’s fucking amazing. 10/10

KING BOO: a round boi, prefers oral to PIV. Any goodness is offset by faintly vengeful aura. 6/10

LINK: so gender-neutral, so hot. short of perfection by not technically being a mario kart character, just occasionally rocking up to race all of them. 9/10

WIGGLER: some interesting sensations, great for anal. Can get in the way rather annoyingly tho. 5/10

ROSALINA: high femme BDE plus protecting the universe. looks after ur star if u kno what i mean. 9/10

FIRE MARIO: you ever accidentally forget to wash your hands between chopping chilli and touching your junk? oof. Niche interest. 2/10

my apologies for forgetting this one!

GOOMBA: a squat little butt plug, a frustrating obstacle that often prevents you from getting there (if u kno what i mean), dimly malevolent energy 2/10

PORCUPUFFER: some of you sinners are no doubt into inflation and stuff but remember what I told you about Bowser: if a dong remotely resembles this, seek urgent medical attention 1/10

BLOOPER: kinda phallic and textured, ejaculates whether u want it to or not. 5/10

CHEEP CHEEP: like dick, it’s fucking ubiquitous. like dick, it gets in the way of you having a good time. 3/10

WENDY O KOOPA: no I have not done Wendy O Koopa yet, and have no intention to, because a Wendy O Koopa seems like a great idea at the time but you will be unable to sit down for a week and piss hot fire for days 4/10

https://twitter.com/banebutwoke/status/1042105004956573697