Hello. I’m going to go ahead and assume you’re reading this because you want to get rid of the Tories. If that’s not true, please go back to your usual hobbies of playing polo, torturing animals and masturbating over the children you’ve killed.
For the rest of you, I know everything is shit. You know everything is shit. But we all know in our hearts that the most important thing we can do right now is to prevent the Tories getting a majority, and get Boris out. This means we have to vote tactically.
I should remind you all that I’m actually an anarchist, and this is how serious this shit is right now. I’m going to give you advice that involves (a) voting and (b) might possibly mean you have to vote for some awful people.
Advice presented online is largely… well, bad. There’s all these Piss Diamond Analytica websites out there telling you to vote Lib Dem when you absolutely, completely, definitely shouldn’t, because that’ll split the vote and lead to a Tory getting in. Same goes to a lot of bad bar charts a certain cavalcade of wee-wee coloured rhombuses have been putting out. And so, my friends, just like when your Hitachi breaks down, we’ve gotta do this manually. And so I present to you a very easy peasy guide to voting tactically in your area.
Step 1: Find out your constituency. Type your postcode in here. It will tell you the name of your constituency.
Step 2: Take a look at recent election results in your constituency. The most accessible place to find this data is Wikipedia. Go to the Wikipedia page for your constituency and scroll down to find the recent election results. 2017’s result is a good place to go on, being the last parliamentary election and representing a shift in the Tories starting to fuck off.
Step 3: Vote for the party with most votes who aren’t Tories. This is a general rule of thumb, because under the Westminster model, some votes matter more than others, and in some seats you can absolutely get away with voting with your heart, while in other seats you might have to eat shit. You can tell how much your vote matters by how close the vote is – in safe seats, the leading candidate has a lead of a high number of thousands of votes, while if you’re in a marginal seat, it’s much, much tighter. If you’re pretty sure you’re in a safe seat – i.e. the lead of the person in front is substantial (I’d say by at least 7000 votes) – then just do whatever the fuck you like with your ballot paper because it really doesn’t matter. Wipe your bum on it for all I care. Thanks, Westminster system!
You’ll notice that in the majority of seats, Labour is the party with the best chance of defeating Tories, though in some seats, particularly in England, it may be the Lib Dems. In the other countries of the UK, nationalist parties might be your best bet. Your tactical vote might make you do a little bit of sick in your mouth, but you know what’s going to be a full-blown chunder? Boris Johnson as Prime Minister, with a renewed mandate.
Step 4: FUCKIN VOTE. 12th December, folks. Get the fuck out and vote. And if you’re having to vote for someone you find absolutely gross, know that as long as you make voting intention clear on your ballot paper, your vote counts. It doesn’t have to be a cross in the little box beside your necessary candidate. Draw a crudely drawn knob in there. Write “this candidate is a poopy poo” in tiny letters in the box. Write “fuck Boris” in there. Get creative, because you can.
Look, everything is truly fucked right now, and everything will be much more fucked if Boris Johnson were to be Prime Minister. At the end of the day, there’s no good options, but there’s awful options and options that at least we’ll be alive enough to feel icky about. So please, please vote tactically – and do it manually.