Poly Means Many: Making decisions when you don’t know what you want

Poly Means Many: There are many aspects of polyamory. Each month, the PMM bloggers will write about their views on one of them. Links to all posts can be found at polymeansmany.com

The topic for this month’s PMM is decisions. For good reasons, this is a central issue in doing poly: from the big stuff such as what shape a relationship takes, and how not to exclude anyone; right down to the little stuff, like where to go for dinner on a date night. How do we balance our needs with those of others, choose who to see and when, and keep everything fair, while still getting what it is we want out of relationships?

Speaking for myself, I haven’t a fucking clue. My depression has this rather annoying effect of making me doubt everything I think and do, and making me woefully unsure of what I actually want at all. Ultimately, that makes making decisions rather difficult. Standard poly models tend to hinge on an assumption that you’ll know your own mind before making a decision, but in my experience, that’s often not possible, because I often don’t know what I want.

And so, because I cannot imagine there is not another soul alive who has similar problems as I do, I offer some tips for decision-making while living in a state of uncertainty. These are things that have worked for me.

(1) Be upfront and open about the fact you’re not sure. Explain to partners, lovers, friends, that you really don’t know what to do when a decision is presented. Often “I don’t know” are the three little words it’s hardest to say because there is a phenomenal pressure to have an opinion on absolutely everything, and that’s just not how life works. If you start from a position of honesty about your own uncertainty, it means everyone is on the same page. It means no surprises in the future. And also,  honesty is awesome and very important to doing poly, anyway.

(2) Remember that nothing has to be forever. I think that the acceptance that nothing is necessarily permanent was one of the things that helped me negotiate life–and in particular poly life–the best. None of the decisions one makes have to be set in stone, irreversible and irretrievable. Things change in ways we cannot predict, feelings evolve over time, and circumstances may shift. A decision that feels right at the time it is made won’t necessarily be right in the future, and that doesn’t necessarily mean you made the wrong decision. It means that nothing stays the same. There will always be a way of getting what’s right for you to happen.

(3) Know that sometimes you might make the wrong decision. This is another thing we’re not meant to talk about: the fact that sometimes you will be wrong. And you might fuck up horribly and hurt someone. Or you might end up hurt yourself.  Ultimately, that’s a horrible thing to happen, but it is sadly unavoidable when it comes to matters of the heart, even if you’re the most decisive and sensitive person in the world. And if things do go wrong, embrace being held accountable if it was your fuck-up. Take stock of what went wrong and how it went wrong. And use that to inform future decisions. On the flip side of this, remember that you will know when the decision you’ve made is wrong, because you’ll feel shit, or others will feel shit.

(4) Check in regularly. Have conversations to make sure everyone involved is still happy with decisions that have been made. See if anything needs to change. On top of the obvious benefits for the relationship in doing this, there’s something in it for you. If, like me, you’re plagued by self-doubt, such check-ins can often be reassuring: having it explicitly spelled out that things are going well means that you can remind yourself that you aren’t always making terrible decisions.

(5) Trust your instincts. Chances are, sometimes you’ll find yourself in a situation where you feel uncomfortable with, but can’t articulate why. You’ll find yourself feeling like rationally, you ought to do one thing, but your instincts are telling you otherwise. Trust those instincts. There have been a number of times when I have done something that my instincts have told me not to. It’s never ended very well. And from that learning experience, I am trying to be upfront when I have a bad feeling about things, by way of explanation for the decisions I make.

(6) Just do it. I view life as that child’s game of “warmer, colder”. Sometimes I make a decision and inside I feel more like “this is what I want”. Sometimes I make a decision and inside I feel more like “this is not what I want”. In feeling my way, I am learning more about what it is I want, what I like and how to make decisions which fill these needs and wants. Trying things is the best way of understanding these things. Using the previous five points make navigating this territory easier and less damaging for yourself and others. Feel your way, and let yourself learn.

Things I read that I found interesting

This week, like every other week, I read some things and found them interesting. Some of them weren’t even written this week, I just read them this week. And found them interesting. Perhaps you will, too.

When Some Of The Cis White Women Who Are Abused Online Are Also Abusers (Gradient Lair)- An excellent analysis of misogynoir and online abuse.

Side eyeing feminism and undoing the harm (Flavia Dzodan)- Flavia makes the case for the side eye as feminist praxis.

Female characters, trauma and you (Feminist TV)-Exposing misogyny in fan reactions to women who experience trauma.

How Life Can Improve for Lesbian, Gay, Bi and Trans People in 2014 (Paris Lees)- Paris looks to the future.

A Year in Review: The Top 10 Most Racist/Privileged Things White Feminists Did in 2013 (The Coloured Fountain)- A 2013 countdown worth reading.

Twice Betrayed, Survivors of Military Sexual Trauma Face Discrimination at the VA (Zoe Carpenter)- A rather harrowing read on military handling of rape.

Rubbish, mice and mould: good enough for young mums without money (Kate Belgrave)- Kate exposes the living conditions deemed suitable for working class mothers.

Why Marketers Fear The Female Geek (anjinanhut)- Interesting analysis of how marketing works and why games are usually targeted at men.

On friendzoning someone (Emma Quite Frankly)- A short poem.

Brought to You by the Letter I: Why Intersex Politics Matters to LGBT Activism (Autostraddle)- Useful article on why intersex issues matter.

Not your rescue project (Pandora Blake)- Pandora collates tweets by sex workers about interventions they don’t want.

Four Myths About the Sex Industry (Jes Richardson)- Busting a few myths.

Sex trafficking in Sweden, according to the Swedish police (Feminist Ire)- Another takedown of the “Swedish model” for policing sex work.

While Wearing Their Pretty Dresses, They Ruined Lives: 12 Years A Slave & the Role of White Women In Slavery (Olivia A. Cole)- Examining the complicity of white women in slavery.

Metaphorically Speaking: Ableist Metaphors in Feminist Writing (Sami Schalk)- An academic analysis of problematic language in feminist writing.

The absolutely, ultimate, best ever, guide to sex! (sometimes it’s just a cigar)- Read this and your sex will be better.

And finally, kittens smash biphobia. And, if you’re a biphobic dog person who won’t click that link, have some dinner.

 

Forget Blue Monday, today is the most depressing day of the year (according to PR)

Traditionally, the last Monday of the last full week of January has been a special day for bloggers, where everyone gets together to debunk the media-friendly pseudoscientific Blue Monday. Indeed, the date has had such a thorough trouncing that PR has switched tack, and it disappoints and distresses me to announce that today is in fact the most depressing day of the year.

In some of the best journalism they’ve done in a while, the Daily Mail has synthesised a bunch of press releases all pointing to the trend. Except most of it doesn’t. Indeed, only two of the various PR surveys they report found anything to do with this day. Let’s take the easy one first: today is the most popular day of the year for starting divorce proceedings. A divorce firm reckons this is because of the strain of Christmas, and, well, possibly. However, it’s likely that the major underlying cause is more mundane: professionals–such as lawyers–tend to take a lot of time off over the Christmas break, and the first Monday of January that isn’t a bank holiday is the first day everyone will be guaranteed to be back at work. Far from a stampede to divorce spouses who cheated at Monopoly, this is more likely a backlog from office closure.

The other study appears at face value to be somewhat more convincing: certainly, it’s a little more robust than the original Blue Monday equation. Some company flogging some sort of shit analysed tweets looking for “negative language” and determined that this happens today.

Now, I hunted the internet for a detailed research methodology for this study, and came up empty-handed. So I downgraded, and decided to look for the original press release, which didn’t seem to be anywhere either. So basically all I have to go on is what is regurgitated in the Mail:

But over the past three years, researchers analysed more than 2million tweets posted by Britons in January looking for negative language and phrases indicating a drop in mood.

They found that today, there will be nearly five times the average number of tweets relating to guilt, as people abandon their promises to pursue a healthier lifestyle.

The analysis, by [like fuck I’m promoting them for this nonsense], also found complaints about the weather will be six times higher than usual – and men will feel more miserable than women.

First of all, the good: props to the PR people for doing this analysis over three years. On initial reading, I thought they’d just analysed tweets over a year, which would only tell us something about what the most depressing day of whatever year they analysed was. That’s about the only nice thing I have to say about this study.

Now, the most glaring thing about this research is that only tweets in the month of January were analysed. This means that a spike in tweets expressing a negative sentiment can only be identified during the month of January. What if there’s actually some sort of mystical force which makes the world an incredibly miserable place to live in on 23rd March? Tough titties. It was clear that they wanted a January date to flog whatever it is they’re flogging, and so they made damn sure it would happen in January, by only analysing January. It’s fairly elegant in its simplicity, although were I the PR people, I’d have buried that little fact deeper in the press release, because it really does detract from their “most depressing day of the year” message.

So, now let’s get to the minor niggles. The sample size looks like a complete turd. Twitter is a website wherein half a billion tweets a day are posted. Even if we assume that UK-based users only account for 1% of these tweets, we’re still looking at 5 million tweets per day. This research analysed only two million over the course of three JanuarysThat’s a mere drop in the ocean. And how was this sample selected? We don’t fucking know. Presumably it was based on whoever the company’s follow-shit-on-Twitter bot decided to follow. And that’s the better explanation…

How were words coded and analysed as pertaining to, for example, guilt? Again, we don’t fucking know, but given the fact that it was a large data set, I’d guess it was computer-based analysis using pre-defined word lists. Given that it’s already demonstrated how much the research set out to find something predetermined, I have little faith in how these word lists were constructed. If I were to guess at how they found their two million tweets, I’d suspect it was standing searches for whatever words they’d selected, and counting the number of tweets using these words per day. That’s just fucking lazy.

And finally, how on earth did the research determine which users were men, and which were women? I shudder to think. A seething hive of assumptions, all wrapped up in a blanket of “fuck knows”.

So, in short, today isn’t the most depressing day of the year, it’s just the same PR bollocks lapped up by a thirsty-for-bullshit media. Let’s be honest with ourselves, everything is shit. It’s hard to find social forces that make one particular day w0rse than any others, because everything is shit. About 8-12% of people in the UK alone live with depression, and if anything, that figure is probably an underestimation, because everything is shit.

I wish I could have a duvet today, because fuck it, I’m depressed. Do PR studies constitute a valid excuse? I wish I had the energy to try.

Things I read this week that I found interesting

Happy first week of 2014, everyone. Let’s hope this is the year everyone realises you can’t polish a turd. Here’s some things I read this week that I found interesting.

2013 – The year Intersectionality gave WoC their own voice (Sam Ambreen and guests)- Women of colour discuss the highs and lows of 2013.

On the fallout from Women’s Hour (Reni Eddo-Lodge)- Reni expresses her right to reply with grace.

Louise Mensch and the grotesque spectacle of white privilege (Ally Fogg)- Unfortunately, Reni’s right to reply provoked more shit. Ally reports on the fallout of the fallout.

“I can’t think of any high profile white UK feminist who has “rejected” intersectionality” (Flavia Dzodan)- Flavia spots a troubling new trope in mainstream feminist discourse and pops it.

Whovian Feminism Reviews “The Time of the Doctor” (Whovian Feminism)- A feminist review of the Doctor Who Christmas special, covering what it got wrong.

Living the consequences (Feministkilljoys)- Beautiful post on the impact of whiteness in feminism.

Intellectual gaslighting or “Feminism needs a new intellectual voice” (Flavia Dzodan)- Flavia again, being awesome, again.

And finally, have a gratuitous selfie.

 

 

My white privilege

My skin is white. This means I have white privilege.

I face a bit of crap in my day-to-day life, because I’m not the nice kind of English white that people prefer. My name comes from my father–he is Greek Cypriot. Poor Cyprus, it only managed a decade and a half of independence after being passed between various empires, before the chunk of the island my family happens to be from got itself invaded again.

My surname is not English. Stavri. It’s six letters long, and if you were to guess at how it were pronounced by shoving together each sound phonetically, chances are, you’d get it right. Despite this, I am perpetually asked how one would say it, or finding my name mashed into something that English tongues find more recognisable.

I get asked where I’m “really from” more often than I care to count. The answer to this is London. I was born in London, raised in London and have lived in London for almost all of my life. But where am I “really from”? What flavour of foreign am I?

This is all profoundly irksome to me, but do you know what? I still have white privilege. I have it in spades, because my skin is white.

It means that when people look at me, there isn’t a whirling mass of stereotypes activated. I am not judged for the colour of my skin, I am not considered a representative of white people. People do not look down on me with disgust or patronising pity because of the colour of my skin. There is a whole world which can be invisible to me if I choose, because I have white skin. I benefit from white supremacy.

There’s no turning away from it. Despite these things that annoy and needle, I will never experience discrimination because of the colour of my skin.

I have white privilege. I cannot pretend it away. I cannot point to the microaggressions I experience for not being some sort of English rose and pretend that this treatment is in any way on a par with what is experienced by people of colour, because it isn’t.

And perhaps conversations about British colonial history and a general nagging xenophobia are necessary, but they cannot be had over discussions of white privilege, because it is something completely different. To suggest otherwise is a derailing tactic.

As a white woman, I own and acknowledge my white privilege. I attempt to mitigate it as best I can, and I try to learn what I can about something I can never personally experience. I try to advocate for women of colour, and I’m open to criticism when I fuck up, because I know my white privilege makes me ignorant as all fuck about these things.

The feminism produced by women like me–white feminism–has failed far too many women by its repeated negligence in analysing structural racism and this must change. I don’t want to be part of the problem. I don’t want to be complicit. And yet, because of the colour of my skin, I can be both of these things.

2013: The year of the hollow gesture

There is a certain fashion now to define a year and What It All Means as a comment piece. And so, in an attempt to be down with the kids, here is what the last year has meant to me.

To me, 2013 has been a year of Big Grand Media Gestures which do absolutely fuck all to change any of the system, as Big Grand Media Gestures are wont to do. Most recently, we saw this with the pardon of Alan Turing. Almost 60 years after the state drove Turing to suicide through their homophobic laws and “experimental” forced hormone administration, they have issued a royal pardon. Alan Turing is forgiven for being gay, to rapturous applause from precisely no-one paying attention.

It is not hard to see the hollowness of this gesture. Alan Turing was but one of the thousands of men persecuted in this fashion in the past, and it just so happens that he was the one who made himself most useful to history. This pardon was stage-managed by Chris Grayling, a man who believes B&Bs should be able to turn away gay couples. Homophobia is not a thing of the past, it is a thing which is still actively perpetuated by those in power, and they should be the ones on their knees, begging for forgiveness for the wrongs of the past, the present and the future. They should grovel at Turing’s grave, and prostrate themselves before those who–alive or dead–still bear the convictions that Turing did. One cannot magic this away, and all of the bits of paper rubber-stamped by the Queen in the world will not make up for it.

Maybe, instead of pardoning Turing, they should have stuck him on a banknote as a convicted criminal. Alan Turing, the queer who saved the world, convicted criminal. After all, it’s clear they wanted a war hero on a banknote, and unfortunately the only one they could think of was Churchill, the notorious racist and architect of genocide, whose major achievement was appearing the lesser of two evils next to Hitler. It was this that pissed me off when the face of the new five pound note was announced earlier this year.

Churchill’s jowly visage will be bumping off Elizabeth Fry, a social reformer who made conditions better for prisoners. A large campaign with a feminist flavour was outraged by this, framed only around how we need to have another woman on a banknote. Eventually, the Bank of England issued a press release earlier than they otherwise would have saying they’d be sticking Jane Austen on a tenner. Job done, women!

Except, once again, we see a certain hollowness. Elizabeth Fry is the sort of person who, in current conditions, would never make her way on to a banknote. She saw humanity in prisoners, while today the government are doing all they can to make the lives of those in prison as much of a living hell as they can get away with. The faces on our banknotes are a political decision. That is why they got rid of the woman who cared. It’s why they replaced her with a warmonger. And it is why they were perfectly happy to use the image of the relatively-inoffensive Jane Austen.

The state’s response to the banknotes campaign was a hollow gesture, but the campaign itself had a certain hollowness in a climate where many women just need some banknotes in our purses. Austerity is hitting women hardest, and many of us can’t hold on to a tenner for long enough to care whose face is on it.

The other large feminist-flavoured media campaign of the year has been No More Page Three campaign. I’ve written before about the myriad problems with it, so I’ll spare the screed and link you to this and this instead. As with the banknote campaign, I don’t doubt that those involved think they are doing good work, but as with the banknotes campaign, they are asking for something paltry which does nothing to change any of the underlying social conditions. It is for this reason that such campaigns are popular with the media. No More Page Three has been supported by almost every media outlet, with the notable exception being The Sun (obviously). Let us remember that the media is owned and run by the rich and white and male, who have a vested interest in the system changing as little as possible. And they’ll allow attention to be thrown over such campaigns because they know it won’t unseat them from their comfy thrones. It benefits them to reduce feminist discourse to simple requests for a page of a newspaper to be removed, or a woman–any woman–to be depicted on a tenner.

The media support is a hollow gesture, and playing the media support game is, ultimately, hollow feminism. It’s misdirected noise. There is a lot of good work going largely unnoticed, as Lola Olokosie notes here.

What we need is a revolution. Now, I’m not talking about the kind of revolution envisioned by Russell Brand, the kind which just magically comes if we wish hard enough for it. Brand’s words were hollow, only words, with little thought for what he was actually asking for other than something else. To watch people shitting themselves with joy over a millionaire sexist waffling an analysis which might have been pretty good if it came from a twelve year old was absurd. Brand wasn’t bringing the idea of revolution to the masses, he just said the word “revolution” on the telly.

Those of us who actually talk the detail and the process, those of us who translate these ideas into praxis–we are labelled at best “divisive” and at worst “criminals”. Even articulating the problems is frowned upon, so how can we build a solution?

These are the things that are likely to come up in the nostalgia shows of the future when we talk of 2013. These grand, yet hollow gestures, this token resistance. I am not saying it is a year where nothing has happened, because loads has. From the achievements of Black feminism to the gains made by the 3Cosas campaign, small victories are being won to little, if any popular attention. And this is what I hope to see more of in years to come, turning our backs on the Big Grand Media Gesture and moving towards the highly unmarketable organising and activism that is essential to immediate survival, and building a better future.

Things I read this week that I found interesting

This week has been Christmas so I haven’t really read much at all. But here’s some things.

Filter firms are destroying the gay and trans internet (Jane Fae)- Jane looks at the impact of internet filtering.

A year in Black Feminism (Reni Eddo-Lodge)- Black feminism has achieved a lot this year, read all about it.

And finally (yes, I really did read that little this week, it’s been Christmas) let’s reflect on the important questions Richard Dawkins has been asking this year.

Things I read this week that I found interesting

Hello everyone! It’s nearly Christmas, and there’s an end-of-term vibe in the air. Here are some things I read this week that I found interesting. Perhaps you’ll find them interesting, too.

Why do some feminists want to burn the Jane Austen banknotes? (Helena Horton)- A conversation on the rejection of a high-profile feminist campaign.

“Help, my eyeball is bigger than my wrist!”: gender dimorphism in “Frozen” (Sociological Images)- Some weird freaky anatomy in Disney.

Put THIS on a banknote: young mothers without money abandoned by the chattering classes (Kate Belgrave)- Kate draws our attention to a project which is ignored within media feminism.

An Open Letter to Caitlin Moran (fireplum)- The latest in a long line of shitty behaviour from La Moran.

The Starvation Army: Twelve reasons to reject the Salvation Army (Reddebrek)- You’ll see the Salvation Army about a lot this Christmas. Here’s why you shouldn’t give them a penny.

When “Life Hacking” Is Really White Privilege (jendziura)- On a set of tips that aren’t actually tips at all.

Rochdale and the stain of sex work (sometimes it’s just a cigar)- Rochdale dismissed victims of abuse, here’s how.

‘FREE CECE’ – Laverne Cox’s documentary to free CeCe McDonald (GLAAD)- This is an important project.

And finally, 2013 was a vintage year for awkward cats. Here’s 40 of them. And also, since it’s Christmas, enjoy some rude food.

Dear BT

Dear BT,

As you may know, I’m kind of against internet filtering anyway. Like many others, I share concerns about blocking important resources about sexuality and sex, and think it’s vital that children are able to access information about what options are available to them, and what is and isn’t OK. It’s vital that this information is available.

We’ve all heard horror stories about sex education sites being inadvertently blocked as porn, due to false positives on filtering. This is, of course, terrible. What’s worse, though, is that you’ve actively set up Sex Education as a category in your parental controls. That’s pretty iffy in and of itself, and gets much grosser when we look at exactly what you’ve explicitly decided to give parents the option to block:

Sex Education will block sites where the main purpose is to provide information on subjects such as respect for a partner, abortion, gay and lesbian lifestyle, contraceptives, sexually transmitted diseases and pregnancy.

I’ve got some news for you, BT. This is really, really important information that young people need to access. This is information that keeps them safe from abuse–information about what is and isn’t OK. Respect for a partner is something vital that young people need to know about.

About the only way what you’re doing is OK is if you’re using your filters as a red flag list for spotting potentially abusive families. Are you trying to find out what sort of parent would block their children from knowing about respect, so you can help get their kids out of that situation?

Nope?

I thought not.

Basically, BT, I didn’t think much of you to begin with, and I certainly don’t think much of you now. Your priorities in what information you want to help block are really, really fucking skewed.

No love,

Stavvers

P.S. Terms like “gay and lesbian lifestyle” are homophobic dogwhistles, you pile of skidmarked Y-fronts.

Edit 22/12/13: I note you’ve now reworded, BT. But are you still blocking all of this vital information? If so, all of this still stands.