stavvers

Rape in the headlines: is there a war on?

Trigger warning for rape

A quick look at the headlines today reveals a bucketload of stories about rape, sexual abuse and sexual assault. From the utterly unsurprising revelation that the police had heard complaints about Jimmy Savile and did precisely fuck all to the lead singer of a band appearing in court charged with conspiracy to rape a baby. From the death of one of the Delhi gang rapists to the ongoing fallout in the SWP over their utter failure to deal with sexual violence. All the way round to this utter shit-turd in the Daily Mail declaring that it’s actually the fault of teenage girls that they get sexually harassed and assaulted by powerful men [clean link, but don’t read it if you don’t want to spend the rest of the day furious/sad/triggered].

Is the media actually starting to care? Is this war finally going to be fought, colours nailed to the mast and the battle lines being drawn? On the one side vile old rapists, the cops and Petronella Wyatt, and on the other, everyone else? Could it possibly be that that is what is happening at last?

Nope.

To quote @FutureFutures, who encapsulated the problem perfectly in two words, rape sells.

They aren’t actually interested in reporting the nagging background reality of the fact that women get raped every single fucking day. They are interested in portraying only that which can be made lurid and reported in exactly the same way as one might report expenses fiddling or a public divorce.

The “real life” magazines have pursued this business model for decades, to the point where sometimes I wonder whether Take A Break editors are contractually obliged to include at least one “RAPED AT KNIFEPOINT BY THE GAS MAN” story per issue.

And it sells. It sells because they instances of rape that get reported are unimaginably horrid to far too many people. What gets put in the newspapers is mercifully rare: the stranger rapes, the celebrity rapists, and so forth. These are the ones deemed newsworthy not due to the fact that what happened was a rape, but rather, the glamour of celebrity or the tears of human tragedy.

For society at large, this war is not being fought. It’s just entertainment, a thing that sells papers and is interesting to read about.

The real war will continue to go unreported, unremarked upon. It is banal to those who set the agenda. It is traumas inflicted daily, it is denial that what happened was a problem. It is a deafening conspiracy of silence. It is rape apologism, trivialisation and dismissal. It is violence, it is manipulation. It is a feeling of unease, a burning desire for vengeance, a tenderness as friends mop away the tears. It is families and friends torn apart over who to believe, it is fear and it is loathing. It is feminists attempting to make noise, silenced by the dominant opinion that there is not a problem. It is support in any way possible.

And the war will rage on, unreported and unremarked upon, because all of these aspects of rape and rape culture are unmarketable. After all, it is only a certain line that will sell.

Fuck off, Ray Winstone

Hi there, Ray Winstone. I note you’re feeling rather sad, having witnessed what you no doubt consider to be a horrific sexual assault. The violent predator, Mr High Taxes, viciously violated Britain in an aggressive rape lasting for…

I’m sorry, I can’t even continue trying to sarcastically repeat what you said because FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF FUCK OFF YOU VILE SHITTING DICKBURGER FUCK OFF AND BURN.

Rape is rape. Taxes are taxes.

Sure, it might make you a bit annoyed that you have to pay a bit of money to the state. I’m not exactly happy about it either. At least you got a hefty tax cut in the last budget–at least, I assume you did, despite one of your more recent film credits only taking the princely sum of £747.

Sorry, I digress.

Paying tax is somewhat trivial in comparison to rape. It really, really is. I’ve experienced both, and I should know. Fuck it, even if you haven’t experienced it, you should fucking well know this.

Every time another smug prick with a tedious opinion compares whatever their whiny cause is to rape, it trivialises rape, makes society take it less seriously. It is turning to countless survivors and shouting in their faces “Well, you think you’ve got problems? I have to pay some of my loads of fucking money, just like everyone else does. Also, there’s a windfarm near my house, and windfarms are also worse than that.” It is saying that violence doesn’t matter, that what really matters is making things comfier for those who are already comfortable.

It betrays a staggering ignorance at best, and, at worst, a willful lack of empathy so severe that you deserve to be swallowed by a horse’s anus.

But I’m feeling merciful today, Ray. I’ll tell you what, you go and fuck off and educate yourself. You go and fucking apologise for your shitty comments and genuinely learn why your comparison was a nonsense. You sort your fucking life out.

And then, come the revolution, maybe we’ll be merciful. Maybe we won’t inflict the worst punishment imaginable on you. Maybe we won’t raise your taxes.

Things I read this week that I found interesting

It’s that time of the week again. Here’s some things I read this week, even if they weren’t necessarily written this week. As always, drop things in the comments that I might like.

Alfie Meadows and Zak King found not guilty! (Defend the Right to Protest)- Just about the best news I’ve heard all week. These two lovely young people, after a two year ordeal, were found unanimously not guilty by the jury. The fight for justice for what the state did to them has just begun.

Another post about rape, assault and yet more excuses (Glosswitch)- Glosswitch identifies an area of rape apologism which is trotted out altogether too frequently.

We need to face up to hatred of prostitutes – among feminists, too (Hannah Betts)- An excellent post on prejudice against sex workers and how it manifests, and its impact.

Yo as a Pronoun (Grammar Girl)- Kids in Baltimore are using a gender-neutral pronoun: “Yo”. Here’s how it works.

Cameron pours his curves into suit for Europe speech (NewsBiscuit)- Spot-on satire of how the media like to report women appearing in public.

New Sexual Revolution: Polyamory May Be Good for You (Scientific American)- Short–but highly uncritical–overview of the research into polyamory. Check the last paragraph for some particularly uncritical reporting.

The Luxury of Surprise: Gender and Online Abuse (quiteirregular)- A man writes about how surprising online abuse is to him, and how this is a luxury.

[untitled]– Very sweet little webcomic detailing how terrible we are at talking about mental health problems as a society.

And finally, this is, quite simply, the funniest joke ever written.

Solidarity is for life, not just for International Women’s Day

Two years ago today, I started blogging. I like to think I’ve come a long way and expanded my thinking since then–if I wasn’t growing, I’d merely be stagnant, after all.

The reason I started blogging, on International Women’s Day of all days, was because this was a day where the voices of women are actually listened to by those who claim to be on our side. It’s “our” day, is International Women’s Day. The mainstream media trots out a few white women to make some pithy statements, the news will report on some events, and maybe, just maybe, the police will try not to club in a few heads at any mass gatherings.

For that one day of the year, women’s voices at least appear to matter, and there is at least a pretence that they are listened to. A veneer of solidarity is painted over the fact that actually, society at large, still doesn’t really give a fuck.

Women’s issues are still someone else’s issues as far as those who set the agenda are concerned. Even within the examination of women’s issues, there is still precious little examination of how this intersects with other oppressions–this can be seen all too often among a certain sort of feminist outright rejecting intersectional thinking.

All oppression is not the same. All women’s oppression is not the same. When we ask for equality, it is simply not enough. What use is equality when the playing field is so grossly uneven that gender is but one set of bumps in the turf?

We don’t need equality; we need solidarity. Solidarity with all of these struggles for recognition, for rights, for freedom. And it’s not enough to make the right noises one day a year: it needs to be a perpetual attack on the whole broken system until we can all live in dignity.

One day a year won’t unfuck this mess.

Poly means many: I am a work in progress

Poly Means Many: There are many aspects of polyamory. Each month, the PMM bloggers will write about their views on one of them. Links to all posts can be found at polymeansmany.com

I didn’t spring fully-formed into how I am today. Anybody who says they have is either a liar, or, less probably, a deeply stagnant individual.

Once upon a time, I was a complete and utter mess. I was having a lot of incredibly bad sex, much of it that I didn’t really want. It was all with men, and all profoundly and disappointingly heteronormative. It wasn’t what I wanted, but I couldn’t conceptualise anything else.

So I quit sex, and I quit relationships. For a good few months, I was completely and utterly celibate. I barely even wanked for all that time. I focused on friendships, on the depth and joy that these relationships can bring–“just friends” is such a misnomer. And I spent a fair amount of time working out what it was that I wanted. Sex ceased to be a central issue to me, and I had all the intimacy I wanted.

It was quite by accident that I came to realise polyamory was the thing that was right for me. I’d been reading Yes Means Yes–which had gone some way to explaining why my sex life had been so dire previously–when the title of a book cited caught my eye. It was, of course, the book on poly: The Ethical Slut. I devoured that book. It opened me up to things that had been dimly playing at the back of my mind since I was young. It felt right.

My journey didn’t end there. Once I plunged into polyamory, I kept on learning and growing. Through experience, I learned what sort of things worked for me, and what didn’t. I discovered I’m highly averse to hierarchical relationships, and that even worse than that is where hierarchies are denied but still present. I learned how to sort out my scatty timekeeping, a skill which was highly beneficial all across my life. I learned that for me, poly is probably an orientation, and it often doesn’t work out if I enter relationships with people who see poly as a largely political choice. I learned how to communicate, better and better. I learned that I have a knack for turning a gathering of beautiful people into an orgy, and I relish in applying this skill.

The learning curve was riddled with heartbreak and regret along the way, but when it comes to matters of the heart, when isn’t it? And what is regret if not an opportunity to learn what it is that you really, really want?

And I’m still not there yet. I’ve still not written a manual of What’s Right For Stavvers, and, to be honest, I doubt I’ll ever be able to do that. With each new partner, I discover new things which are right–and new things which are wrong. With each change to my life, my relationships flex and shift. I am a work in progress. And I always will be. I’ll never have a complete handle because everything changes, and that’s a good thing.

What’s right for me isn’t what’s right for anyone else in the world. We’re all unique in that way. We are all works in progress, testing the waters and seeking the things that make us happy. I’ve found a lot of mine–but I look forward to being surprised again and again.

Things I read this week that I found interesting

Hello everyone. This week I haven’t read much due to hectic IRL business, but I did read some things that I found interesting, and maybe you will, too. As always, drop me some links if you think I’ll find it interesting.

Review: Surprises at Theatre Royal, Bath (Mediocre Dave)- Dave went to see a play. He was thoroughly unimpressed at its backwards gender politics in a hilarious fashion.

Kirk Sneade’s candidacy for UCLU Women’s Officer (Major Tom)- Tom explains rampant misogyny in a student election. Trigger warnings.

Men are no victims in this rape apologism debate (Tintinnytins)- A male ally explains some shit that really shouldn’t need explaining, but unfortunately does. Very eloquently.

Yes means Yes, or why safe words might perpetuate rape culture (itsjustahobby)- An interesting take on BDSM safe words, and how they buy into a “no means no” model of consent, with a few examples of what else could be done.

Let’s make all crimes against sex workers hate crimes (Diary of a VirginWhore)- Account of an initiative in Merseyside where crimes against sex workers are treated as a hate crime, and there is some collaboration with the police, leading to far higher conviction rate for rape of sex workers. While I’m not sure about working with the police, it seems like this has gone some way to improving safety.

And finally, listen to the sounds of police scanner radio, with gloomy electronica as a backing track. A delicious aura of the Bad Future.

“The fatal decision to abide by the law”: Squatting criminalisation kills

Daniel Gauntlett needed a roof over his head to survive the freezing winter temperatures. But because of recent parliamentary machinations, it was illegal for Daniel Gauntlett to seek shelter inside an empty bungalow. The police were called when he tried to enter. So he froze to death on the veranda of the building which could have protected him.

In a local news report on the story, one particularly poignant line stands out, highlighting how this man’s death should have never happened:

And so Mr Gauntlett, had taken the fatal decision to abide by the law.

This is the corner into which the law–Section 144 of the Legal Aid, Sentencing and Punishment of Offenders Bill–has pushed people. So many must now make a decision like Gauntlett’s: to freeze to death a law-abiding citizen, or to survive and swell the prison population of people punished for desiring a roof over their heads.

I wonder if this very human matter was given a second of thought by the politicians who passed this law, or whether their thoughts only went to the owners of property they wanted to leave empty and didn’t want it to become a home because it was theirs–the perceived real victims. Through lies and distortions, they shoved this legislation through. If you want to learn the truth about squatting, have a read through Squash Campaign’s resources.

And share this story–and these resources–with those that you know. The politicians decided to force vulnerable people to choose between death and prison, because an empty building staying empty means a world more to them.

Sign Squash’s petition, a government e-petition which could lead to a debate if it is signed enough. While I don’t feel petitions to be a particularly effective form of campaigning, I feel it’s only right for them to have to discuss the blood on their hands already, and how it will only get worse if they insist on pursuing this.

Nobody should have to make these fatal decisions like Daniel Gauntlett was forced to.Yet this is a natural consequence of a law criminalising people turning an empty space into a home.

Sexual violence: it still matters, even when there isn’t a political agenda.

Trigger warning: this post discusses institutional sexual violence and rape apologism

The revelations surrounding Lord Rennard seem to have brought out the worst in some people. A lot of his friends and political allies have descended into some textbook rape apologism of the “conspiracy theory” variety, along with a stinking heap of trivialisation.

Take, for example, Simon Hughes, who really should have abstained from saying that it was “suspicious” that this didn’t come to light immediately and implied that it must all be some sort of grand plot to scupper the Eastleigh by-election. Given my worthless shitlord of an MP was president of the Lib Dems at the time the allegations came out, I wonder how much his trying to wave his hands round and suggest the allegations are nothing more than suspicious is to avoid any suggestion that perhaps he knew something and did nothing. Which is entirely possible, as I doubt he’s such a useless little turdburger as to be completely ignorant about what is going on in his party.

Worse still, though, is Polly Toynbee, who is again subscribing to the “it’s all a plot to kick the Lib Dems out of Eastleigh” conspiracy theory. Going beyond this, Toynbee decides to just gleefully trivialise absolutely everything:

But (so far) the Rennard allegations look less than criminal: a grubby pawing of women candidates on a training session is revolting and all too horribly common. Yet this squalid little “not safe in taxis” tale is being bracketed with the serial rape of children in homes and hospitals by Jimmy Savile. It comes packaged with charges that gay-bashing Cardinal O’Brien touched young priests whose future depended entirely on him. Or it’s blended into Cyril Smith’s grotesque abuse of boys in care. Melding all abuse into one syndrome trivialises the truly horrific in order to nail the merely repellent but everyday groping of adults.

Now, I’m not sure if Polly Toynbee knows that actually this everyday groping is criminal and the cops are ~~wading in to clear Rennard’s name~~ thoroughly and fully investigate every aspect of what happened. At any rate, that’s a mighty disingenuous thing to say. As Toynbee plays the Savile card–that yardstick by which all manifestations of rape culture must now be measured–she attempts to show that the accusations against Rennard are not a big deal, and the real tragedy would be if the Lib Dems lost another seat in parliament.

Well, here’s the thing. It is one syndrome. It may look different every time it crops up, but it’s all that same culture which allows sexual violence to go on unchallenged. Yes, Rennard may not have forcibly sodomised children, but that doesn’t make these accusations trivial. To suggest otherwise is to make it easier for other men to get away with it, and stop survivors from coming forward, maintaining this neat little silence which benefits only perpetrators.

Thing is, in their own way, the Rennard cheerleaders have a point. The timing is a bit convenient, and it is surprising to see how much attention has been paid to sexual harassment–something which is usually so ingrained and everyday as to be considered thoroughly unworthy of note by the media.

What they overlooked was that this is also a manifestation of rape culture. Those setting the agenda really don’t give a flying fuck about sexual violence unless it politically benefits them. And in the case of Rennard, there is an opportunity to snaffle a by-election away from the Lib Dems by pointing out that the party has a kind of shitty attitude to sexual harassment.

But that doesn’t mean it didn’t happen or that it doesn’t matter. The whole thing shows that tackling rape culture does matter, laying bare a lot of unpleasant underlying beliefs. If we look hard enough, we can work out where to go next.

How to avoid a “sex scandal”: a guide for powerful men

Hello powerful men. Welcome to my blog. I’m not entirely sure why you’re here, since I spend most of my time calling you bellowing ballbags, but hi. I hear you’re interested in avoiding sex scandals.

I can hardly say I’m surprised you’d like a better way of dealing with sex scandals, what with your current methods not working very well at all. Your traditional methods of covering the whole thing up are unravelling at the seams. No matter how many high-up cronies you enlist to make sure nobody knows about your little indiscretions, it always captures the attention of some pesky journalist. And no matter how many people you try to sue, those dogged little gnats on Twitter and things keep tweeting your name, don’t they? Simply put, it’s a hard time to be a powerful man with peccadilloes, isn’t it? This whole thing could ruin a man’s career, couldn’t it?

Well, Auntie Stavvers is here to help. Follow my golden rules, and your career in the party or the church or whatever else you’re famous for will be just fine.

1) Don’t rape anyone. Same goes for sexual abuse, sexual assault or sexual harassment. Those things you call a sex scandal or an indiscretion? That’s what they are. You’re not entitled to sex. Learn some respect, practise enthusiastic consent, and you’ll be fine.

2) There is nothing else to it. Just behave like a decent fucking human being, and you won’t find yourself in these situations.

Things I read this week that I found interesting

Little later than usual, but perhaps Sunday is the better day for these “things I read” roundups, anyway. Here’s some stuff I read that I found interesting, and perhaps you will too. Please drop by in the comments and let me know if there’s anything else I might like.

The Sun: Shocking but not surprising (The Media Blog)- Analysis of last week’s Sun front page wanking over Reeva Steenkamp, and why we’ll be seeing more, not less, of this in the future.

Deep inside: a study of 10000 porn stars (Jon Millward)- Detailed analysis of the profiles of a vast sample of porn actors, examining what they look like physically, what kind of work they do, and even what names they choose. A fascinating read, illustrated by infographics.

Hidden Misogyny: Why the Menimists should take stock (tintinnytins)- Tinny calling other men out on some bullshit and talking about what a male ally should look like.

World’s oldest porn “is bisexual” (Gay Star News)- The title here really sells the content short. The world’s oldest porn is queer as all fuck, and that’s fabulous. Also, bisexual. They use that word a lot. I do not think it means what they think it means.

Sex, friends and strangers: what to expect when you stop shaving (Marie le Conte)- Marie stopped removing her body hair. Here’s a funny, personal account of what happened after that.

A plea for policy based on evidence, not anecdote (itsjustahobby)- Heartfelt plea from Jemima, which does exactly what it says on the tin.

Hilary Mantel v Kate: a story of lazy journalism and raging hypocrisy (Hadley Freeman)- Just about the smartest, best thing I’ve read on this Mantel/Middleton nonsense.

Munchausen by Internet: Current Research and Future Directions (Whitty, Buchanen & Feldman)- Open-source journal article on the phenomenon of “Munchausen by Internet”, where people fake medical conditions in online spaces.

On the composition of lasagna: A caprice on horses, abstraction, and the division of labour (Prolapsarian)- A gallop through why we’re disgusted at eating horse and what it all means. Yes, I made a vague horse pun. No, I’m not ashamed.

Why do women always have to be the condom police, anyway? (xoJane)- Good articulation of how women are expected to be the ones enforcing condom use in heterosex.

Don’t Menshn the Blog: The Unfashionista Train-Wreck (Perestroika)- Louise Mensch has moved into fashion blogging, and it’s predictably very problematic. The brave Perestroika gives us an overview of what’s wrong.

And finally, a short story based on a fair few in-jokes: “The Kernel of Truth”. If more than one thing on the following list amuses you, you’ll probably enjoy it: var of piss, Luke Bozier, Louise Mensch, Milo Yiannopolis’s “trollwatch”, the Guardian.